Meet Your 2010 Blue Jays 40-Man Roster

Aaron Hill
He was originally drafted in the 7th round by the Angels in 2000. Thankfully, he chose to attend College and begin his rise to greatest 2B in Blue Jays history in the "Not Roberto Alomar" category. Despite reports that he is married, Hill actually married and has remained in a commited relationship with former double play partner Russ Adams. The pair currently have 2 children. Hill is only the second Blue Jay to ever steal home plate, pwning Andy Pettitte on May 20, 2007. His list of Collegiate accomplishments is pretty impressive as well.

Alex Gonzalez
Will be the second best Alex Gonzalez to ever play for the Jays. Apparently nick-named "Sea-Bass" while with the Marlins. Was featured in "Backyard Baseball 2001."

Jarrett Hoffpauir
Is the distant cousin of Micah Hoffpauir, a 1B/OF for the Cubs. Shares the first name of the writer of a blog entitled "Holy Panda Rape" and also with the last name of an awesome pro-wrestler.

John McDonald
Almost shares his name with my Country's first Prime Minister. Nick-named the "Orime Minister of Defense" due to his, you guessed it, impressive defensive ability. Was esentially traded for himself between the Tigers and Jays.

Jose Molina
Is the least talented of his siblings. The siblings are the only 3 brothers to win World Series rings. Hit the last home run at Yankee Stadium. Was the personal catcher for world class deushbag A.J. Burnett during their 2009 seasons with the Yankees.

Vernon Wells
Not the most talented Vernon Wells associated with baseball, as his father is an exceptional painter. Is one of the most over-paid players in baseball history and has earned a place in the "Bad Contract Hall-of-Fame." Has 3 Gold Glove awards, only earning 1 of them. Hold the Jays single season record with 215 hits. Is a notorious excuse maker.

Brian Dopirak
despite embarassingly underperforming for the Cubs organization from 2005-2007, Dopirak has dominated the Minor Leagues the past 2 season. Signed with the Jays because Dunedin where Dopirak is from and where the Jays have Spring Training.

John Buck
Name sounds like "Buck Madding" in most recent 2k10 baseball video game, although I suspect is is supposed to say "Buck batting." Was the 21st ranked prospect by John Sickels in 2003, proving most ranking systems suck. Got into a fight with Mexican and awfull pitcher Runelvys Hernandez over what I can assume to be Hernandez's ethnicity or shitty pitching. Is a memeber of the "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints."

Edwin Encarnacion
Doesn't know how to properly use fireworks. Is lazy. Is a terrible defender.

Josh Roenicke
His brother Jason is also a member of the Jays organization as a pitcher. Could be very good.

Mike McCoy
Toronto is his 4th organization. Got on-base at over a .400 mark in AAA in 2009. Is short and white, leading many to call him scrappy.

Jose Bautista
Is not a very good player. Was on 5 different rosters his rookie season, a record that is nothing to be proud of. Was acquired for one of the Jays' many "catchers of the future," Robinzon Diaz.

Randy Ruiz
Is awesome. Has played for 9 different organizations. Won rookie of the year in AAA at age 30, which is hillarious. Hit his first Major League home run in Yankee stadium, only a few blocks from where he grew up. Was hit in the face by a change-up like fastball from Josh Towers. Is awesome.

Brandon Morrow
Will never be forgiven for being drafted ahead of Tim Lincecum. Was also selected by the Angels, in the 40th round, choosing instead to go to College. Is diabetic.

Ricky Romero
Looks like LL Cool J. Was drafted ahead of Troy Tulowitzki, which cannot be forgiven. Battled Rick Porcello in his Major League debut, which was the first time 2 1st round draft picks faced each other in their debuts.

David Purcey
Was originally drafted by the Mariners in the 20th round in 2001, but chose to decline. Has kind of dominated the Tampa Bay Rays in 2 career starts (0.56 ERA in 2 pitching duels with Matt Garza). Also dominated the Tigers (1.96 ERA in 4 starts). Gets destroyed by every other team.

Adam Lind
Awesome. Originally drafted by the Twins in the 8th round in 2002, but chose not to sign (thank fucking god). Is awesome. Set a Blue Jays record with 6 RsBI on opening day in 2009. Won the "Edgar Martinez" award for most outstanding DH in 2009.

Brett Cecil
A lefty on the mound, Cecil is actually right handed. This upsets me. Pulled a "Larry Walker" by throwing a live ball out of play (in this case, into the Jays dugout) allowing the opposing team to gain a base on August 20, 2009.

Shaun Marcum
Was often compared to shit-baller Josh Towers, which is not a good thing. Thankfully, he is not much like Josh Towers (who is a shit-baller). Missed most of 2009 while recovering from Tommy John surgery, but ended up pitching in some Minor League games in July, but was shut down after a few starts to avoid over-straining his surgically repaired arm.

Dustin McGowan
Has awesome mutton chops when he is on his "A" game. Was once the number 1 prospect in the Jays system (considered at one point to be one the best). On une 24, 2007, Dusty brought a no-hitter into the 9th inning (only the 6th time in team history), but notorious faggot and clown-shoe Jeff Baker broke it up with a weak, bitch-like ground ball that found a hole. Wears glasses during certain games to help his vision, which is impaired due to his diabetes.

Merkin Valdez
His name reminds me of a wizard. Was traded for Russ Ortiz, who sucks, in 2002. Was once known as Manny Mateo (which just sounds like a fake name), but started going by his real name when it revealed he was a fraud and was actually 9 months older than believed.

Marc Rzepczynski
Nicknames include Scrabble and Zep. Besides his name, there is not muchthat is too interesting about him. He's a great young pitcher, though.

Lyle Overbay
Is a proud member of the KKK. Holds the Jays record for most consecutive games reached base at 12. He is one of only 14 players to hit into an unassisted triple play.

Scott Downs
Was selected in the 12th round of the 1996 draft by the Braves, but chose to attend College. Downs carves the initials of his children into the mound before he pitches. Played for 10 different Minor League teams. Threw a no-hitter in AAA.

Jesse Carlson
Is a racist. Was a star basketball player (sure). Is forced by MLB to wear long sleaves when pitching, due to his awesome tattoos.

Casey Janssen
Somewho earned the nickname "Dirty Janssen" which may be a reference to a dirty sanchez, where a gentleman fucks a lady in the asshole and procedes to wipe his shit-covered cock on the upper lip of the classy lady, creating the appearance of a mustache. His mother is a middle school teahcer.

Travis Snider
Known to many as "the Great White Hope", "The Future", "The Franchise", and "Capt. Awesome". Was a running back and a linebacker for his High School football team. Looks fantastic with a tuff of facial hair on his chin. His hometown of Everett, Washington hosts the largest public marina on the west coast. Youngest Jay to ever hit 2 HR in a game.

Jeremy Accardo
Was acquired for Hall-of-Fame deushbag Shea Hillenbrand. Is really goofy looking. Was passed between Las Vegas and Toronto like a really cheap hooker in 2009, and spoke out against the maneuvering (which probably isn't a great way to please your manager and/or organization).

Jason Frasor
Was acquired for personal favourite Jayson Werth, posibly the first important trade where as man was traded for another with the same first name.

Brain Tallet
Looks kind of like Wolverine. He is 6'7" tall. Was drafted 4 times. Is expected to be the number 5 starter for the 2010 Jays, but shouldn't be.

Shawn Camp
Was a catcher in College. Is actually pretty good, despite playig for the Devil Rays and Royals. Was convicted of raping a man in 2001.

Kevin Gregg
Unlike former catcher Gregg Zaun, Kevin actually has 2 "G"s in his name and doesn't to add another one in there to be different. Wears glasses on the mound, which makes up for the loss of Brandon League's goggles. Is kind of a shit-bag.

Dana Eveland
Was traded once for Dan Haren (not straight up, though). In 2008 he threw 27 4-pitch walks (which I believe to be walks without a strike thrown), which led the Major Leagues.

Reideir Gonzalez
Changed name legally to Ray to avoid something. Is Cuban-born.

Luis Perez
For some reason, is on the Jays 40-Man roster. Is 25 years old, so it's probably time he does something to earn a MLB promotion.

Brad Mills
Was drafted by the Jays twice, the first time deciding to finish his degree. Is kind of a left-handed Josh Towers.

Robert Ray
Confuses people by choosing Bobby of Rob when changing his first name. Actually pitched pretty well in call-up for the jays in 2009.

Scott Richmond
Is Canadian! Missed out on the 2008 Olympics due to his unexpected MLB call-up. Was held back in the 2009 World Baseball Classic in order for him to pitch their Elimination game, which actually happened when the Italians shocked them and dropped a beating on a Minor League shit-bag pitcher. Aparently is nicknamed the "Spider" even though he looks like a Seaseme Street character.

Jesse Litsch
Is pink, round, and efficient. Used to be the bat-boy for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Despite nothing resembling a great pitch, Litsch is a solid pitcher and is a bulldog on the mound.

Dirk Hayhurst
Seems to be an awesome dude. Wrote for Baseball America regularily with his "Non-Prospect Diary", which pokes fun at his lack of hype. Has a book out which is titled "The Bullpen Gospels", which seems to be a great read. His autographs are pictures or a "garfoose", which is a fire-breathing giraffe/moose combo. Will most likely miss 2010 recovering from surgery.

COACHES

Cito Gaston
Actually named Clarence, uses Cito to try and seem more likable (well played, sir). Is the most over-rated manager ever, as he held back the career of Shawn Green and is about to ruin Travis Snider if someone doesn't stop him. Was roomates with Hank Aaron, where Gaston learned to suck a mean dick. Was actually a solid player in his day (the late 1500s). Is a member of the Canadian Baseball Hall-of-Fame and the "Level of Excellence".

Nick Leyva
Has AIDS and a job thanks to Cito. Is a pretty awfull 3rd base coach. Managed the Phillies at one point.

Omar Malave
Played (1981-1989) and managed (1991-2007) in the Jays system. Is the current 1st base coach.

Brian Butterfield
Is awesome. Should be the next manager (or better yet, the current) of the Jays. Is known for his defensive coaching, getting praise for the likes of Orlando Hudson and Aaron Hill (Butter was a 2B in his day).

Dwayne Murphy
Nacknamed "Darkness" by me, right now. Was an OF for the A's, and a pretty damn good one defensively. His trademark was having his hat blow off his afro when making a catch. Plays bass guitar, fueling the stereotype. Helped fund MC Hammer's debut album (so he pretty much helped spread AIDS).

Bruce Walton
Was the bullpen coach from 2002 until recently when he was promoted to pitching coach. Pitched terribly in the Majors from 1991-1994.

Rick Langford
The new bullpen coach. Was a pretty mediocre pitcher from 1976-1986.

SOME NOTABLE PROSPECTS

Kyle Drabek
Son of former MLB pitcher and racist Doug Drabek. Was 30-1 in High School and also had 27 home runs. Was acquired in the Halladay trade, making him unlikely to ever reach expectations.

Brett Wallace
Drafted by the Jays in 2005, but did not sign (boo). Was traded as part of the Matt Holliday deal. Ended up with the Jays, via the A's, in the Halladay deal. Wallace is probably the only player ever to be traded as a centre-piece for 2 All-Star callibre players with names so bizzarely similar. Has massive thighs.

Scott Campbell
Is from New Zealand (exotic). Has been compared to Chase Utley (by JP Ricciardi). Good luck living up to that, kid.

JP Arencibia
Hit as many high school HR as Alex Rodriguez (at the same school). Is the next wave of the "catcher of the future" for the Jays fanbase.

Zach Stewart
Was stolen from the Reds for Scott Rolen. Was the number 1 prospect prior to the trade of Halladay.

Leon Boyd
"Dutch Clutch" rose to "stardom" during the World Baseball Classic for team Netherlands (even though he is Canadian!). Boyd is a fringe relief prospect.

Tim Collins
Is probably no taller than 5'5" and weighs about 150 lbs. Threw a high school no-hitter. Was discovered by JP Ricciardi's father. Has been nicknamed "Tim Collinsicum" in regards to his similar pitching motion and small frame to NL Cy Young winner and pot-head Tim Lincicum. He is also called "Tiny" Tim Collins, which just isn't very creative.

Adam Loewen
Is a Canadian! Was a former top prospect as a pitcher for the Orioles. Was pretty effective until injuries forced him to retire from pitching. Now an OF, Loewen has recieved positive reviews for his plate discipline and his raw power, although the power is coming along slowly.

NON-ROSTER PLAYERS

Joey Gathright
Can actually jump over a car. Youtube it. Is obviously athletic because he's black. Will always get chances based on "athleticism" and "raw ability" but lacks grit because he is not white.

Jeremy Reed
Lost his number in 2008 to his manager, which has to be embarrassing. Is white, so has the edge over Gathright in grit and hustle, while tailing in natural athletic ability and speed in their race for 4th OF.

Raul Chavez
Somehow became a fan favourite despite being shitty. Has a good arm, but throws to 1st base way too often, trying to show off his "cannon". Is a filthy mexican.

Shawn Hill
Is from Ontario! Pitched in the 2004 Olympics. Is a walking band-aid, and is constantly injured. Might pitch in late 2010.