Fictional Power Rankings: The Managers

1. Gus Cantrell
Going against conventional wisdom and placing Cantrell first. Gus managed the AAA Buzz to a tie and a win over their Major League affiliate and made Leonard Huff look silly in the process.
His biggest contributions:
-Teaching Downtown to go the other way, making him a complete hitter.
-Putting Pops at 1B where his range wouldn't cripple the team.
-Harnessed the athletic gifts of Lance Pere at 3B.
-Forced Juan Lopez 1 & 2 to work together to create beautiful middle infield magic.
-Brought Veteran presence to the ball club by acquiring Pedro Cerrano and Taka Tanaka.
-Getting Doc Windgate to share his knowledge with Hog Ellis.

2. Lou Brown
Once a minor league manager working at Tire Barn, Lou turned a bunch of misfits into a winning ball club with some world class motivation. Makde the great decision of starting veteran Eddie Harris over Rick Vaughn.
Biggest contributions:
-Getting Rick Vaughn to an eye-doctor.
-Getting Jake Taylor to embrace his Managerial role in Major League 2.
-Telling Willy Hayes not to ever fucking do it again.

3. Billy Heywood
One of the smartest baseball minds on the planet fell ass first into the ownership of the Minnesota Twins and when he fired the Manager, inputted himself into the situation and almost a bunch of mediocre ball players to the playoffs. Losses points for letting his first baseman fuck his mom.

4. Jake Taylor
Taylor reluctantly agreed to be an assistant coach for Brown, then when the skipper suffered a heart attack, Taylor took over with mixed results. He led them into the playoffs but the team team wasn't without its problems. His two best friends, Willy Hayes and Rick Vaughn, got into a fight on the bench that resulted in a team brawl in the first game of a double header.

5. Conor O'Neill
Despite his gambling addiction and questionable friends, O'Neill became quite the influance and leader for the Kekumbas. Questionably pinch hit with G-Baby, which probably led to his murder.

6. Gus Panas
The silent Cito Gaston type of manager, Gus clashed with Stan Ross is a big way. But when push came to shove, Gus had Ross's back and that is what a good manager does.

7. Leonard Huff
Huff was a bad manager with an inflated ego and a shit-eating grin. Rushed Downtown to the Majors and almost killed his confidence. Risked his job in an exibition game, which is the stupidest move any manger on this list ever made.

8. George O'Ferrell
Got fired then replaced by a tween.

Fictional Power Rankings: Position Players

CATCHERS

1. Jack Parkman
The shimmy was both sexy and creepy, the power was legit. Looked like a poor defensive catcher more suited for DH.

2. Crash Davis
Minor League homer leader and a great leader for Nuke LaLoosh. Fucked the shit out of Annie Savoy, keeping him out of the top spot.

3. Jake Taylor
Veteran leader who helped lead the young, inexperienced Indians towards the playoffs. Couldn't let go of a mediocre past girlfriend. Was an awfull defensive catcher.

4. Gus Sniski
Billy Chapel's person catcher. Great pitch caller, solid defensive back-stop, great friend.

5. Rube Baker
Fantastic arm, but trouble throwing ball back to pitcher severly limited his upside. Has potential to be Gus Sinski in 10 years.

Honorable Mention:
Dave
His inability to hit keeps him off the board, but he might've been a lefty.



FIRST BASE
1. Lou Collins
Banged his coached mom and almost took the Big Unit deep in the play-off.

2. Artie DaVanzo
World class drunk. Had a blood alcohol level almost twice the legal limit. Hit a HR in the big game, despite sweating while eating.

3. Stan Ross
Mr. 2999, Stan is a certain Hall of Famer. Ross losses points for coming out of retirement for the sole purpose of stats. Probably hit something like .075 during his comeback.

4. Clu Haywood
Absolutely dominated Rick Vaughn in his debut season. Lead the league in body hair.

5. Butch Heddo
Destroyed Henry Rowangartner's performance enhanced fastball.



INFIELD
1. Johnny Trinno
Hit over .700, which is impressive as all hell.

2. Kelly Leake
A bit of a punk, but the kid could flat out play. Looked a little like a fag, but covered some serious ground at SS.

3. Benny Rodriguez
The Jet was the best player in town and would go on to play for the Dodgers. The fastest kid on the planet.

4. Maz
A little pussy whipped, but played a solid 2B. Was a good friend and had a big cock.

5. Alfonse
May have been a guido, but is better than most other fictional infielders.

Aside: Why is there never any quiality infielders in baseball movies? What the fuck? I have to choose between the Juan Lopez's and the middle infielders from Mr. 3000?



OUTFIELDERS
1. Roy Hobbs
The Natural is a natural fit at number 1, with his light-tower power. Once a great young pitcher, his career was derailed when he was shot. Returning years later, Hobbs used Wonderboy to become one the best hitters in the league.

2. Downtown Anderson
A natural hitter with quick hands and a great pull stroke, Downtown became a complete player when Gus Cantrell taught him to go the other way.

3. T-Rex Pennebaker
The cover boy for MVP baseball, T-Rex was an all-world power hitter for the Brewers. Turned his selfish play around with the help of Stan Ross.

4. Willy Hayes (Wesley Snipes)
Despite poor hitting skills, Hayes was a fantastic lead-off man for the upstart Indians. Was a tremendous base-stealer.

5. Bobby Raburn
Once a great player for the Atlanta Braves, Raburn underperformed thanks to a chest injury in San Fran. Once teamate Juan Primo was murdered, Raburn coincidentally started to heat up.

6. Juan Primo
Killed before his time. Had the talent and work ethic to be one of the greats.

7. Willy Hayes (Omar Epps)
Hurt himself performing stunts for his shitty movie, costing himself plenty of speed. Thought he was a power hitter, which was silly.

8. Carlos Liston
A little selfish, but is a legit power threat. Backed down from Hog Ellis when his bluff was called.

9. Pedro Cerrano
Inability to hit curve ball limits ceiling. Some scouts feel his beliefs get in the way of his upside.

10. Tim
This N-word was a quality LF who covered some ground and did so with a quiet confidence.

Honorable Menton:
Tananka: Bonus points for going balls out, but just not very good.

Fictional Pitchers Power Rankings

1. Billy Chapel
Threw a perfect game in his final start of his career. Showed serious loyalty to catcher Gun Sinski. Pitched 19 seasons in the Majors and has a shot at the Hall of Fame.

2. Nuke LaLoosh
Outstanding stuff; millon dollar arm, 5 cent head. Had some issues with listening to veteran catcher Crash Davis.

3. Steve Nebraska
Was Stephen Strasburg before Stephen Strasburg. Threw a perfect game; 81 pitches, 81 strikes. 27 Ks. Had monster personality issues, affecting his ranking.

4. Mike McGrevey
Was fantastic once properly motivated. Still a bit of a douche.

5. Hog Ellis
An enigmatic power pitcher. Once he leanred the curveball, he was unstoppable. Took down the mighty Carlos Liston.

6. Mel Clark
A savvy veteran, Mel needed the power an Angel to get through his final Major League start. Had a solid career.

7. Rick Vaughn (Major League)
The Wild Thing losses serious points for being mostly used as a reliever. Took a while to harness his stuff, but was a K machine once he put on the dark rims.

8. Kenny Powers
Losses points for being an asshole. Can throw faster than fuck.

9. Doc Windgate
I'm giving him serious bonus points for teaching Hog Ellis the deuce. Also, struck out Carlos Liston. Made the most out of his limited ability.

10. Rick Vaughn (Major League 2)
With a big bank account and a smoking hot girlfriend, Vaughn lost his heat and tried to create pitches that were ultimately not very successful. Finally got his shit together late in the flick.

11. Miles Pennefield
With bluetooth, he can confortably and safely listen to his B.I.G. without the opposing coach being a prick.

12. Shoup
A crafty lefty, Shoup wasn't the best, but he was a decent mid-rotation arm the the contending Indians.

13. Eddie Harris
Crafty veteran losses some points for cheating, but was a clutch pitcher for the Indians.

14. Chet Steadman
Veteran pitcher who didn't take any shit. Losses some points for cozying up to a snot nosed punk.

15. Eddie Everett
Once a promising pitcher, Everett needed the help of Angels to throw quality ballgames near the end. Also, a shitty father.

16. Henry Rowengartner
Lucked into a 120 mph heater. Had a mildly successful season, but broke him arm back into place and had to throw under-hand like some faggot.

17. Dennis Mangenelli
Was the ace pitcher of Mangenelli fitness. Losses points for the speedo briefs and for having herpes.

18. The Duke
Would throw at his own kid in a father-son game. Losses points for being a short reliever.

19. Blackout Gatling
Not a great closer, but at least he was alive during his team's big game.

20. Dirt
Was a mediocre pitcher who couldn't even live to play in the big game. His death caused the team to get fucking plastered and play like shit against Mangenelli fitness.

Jays Draft History

So, after reading a blog post about the recent Royals' draft picking, I decided to peek at the Jays drafting and who they selected and who they didn't.

So, let's start with 2009 and work backwards, that way I can stop whenever I feel like it and it won't seem lazy.

2009
Round 1, Pick 20: Chad Jenkins
I liked this pick at the time, as it is always nice to get a polished college arm that can rise quickly. They passed up on athletic prospects Jio Mier (SS) and Jared Mitchell (CF) and high upside, but injured P Kyle Gibson. I still like this pick, but if Gibson's injury doesn't slow his movement and becomes a better arm than Jenkins, it may start to look bad.

2008
Round 1, Pick 17: David Cooper
I liked this pick too, but was upset that Canadian Brett Lawrie and Brett Wallace were off the board. Another college 1B Ike Davis was drafted one spot after and is now is much superior prospect. Three guys picked after Cooper have already reached the big leagues, while Cooper has stalled in AA. Reese Havens (SS) would have been a better pick for talent and organizational needs. It now looks like a wasted 1st rounder that was a "safe" and "cheap" pick.

2007
Round 1, Pick 16: Kevin Ahrens
I liked this one, as SS has been a weak hole for the Jays for a while and Ahrens was listed at SS. He moved to 3B right away, taking away his shine for me. Looking at who was drafted after Ahrens and before their next pick, I am not too impressed, but having an athletic SS (Peter Kozma) is probably better than an athletic 3B. RHP Chris Withrow would've probably been the better choice, but again, it seems that the Jays were drafting "safer" signs, who wouldn't require a huge bonus.

Round 1, Pick 21: J.P. Arencibia
Again, I loved the pick at the time, as catcher is another week organizational hole. Arencibia rose pretty quickly and is now kind of a AAAA candidate at a young age. I still like him and am still glad he was drafted. RHP Tim Alderson was drafted right behind and has surpassed Arencibia in hype. I would take Arencibia again with the same circumstances (although Rick Porcello was drafted late in the round).

2006
Round 1, Pick 14: Travis Snider
Snider was the 5th hitter taken in a pitcher heavy early 1st round. I loved the pick after reading about his power potential. Snider has progressed well, and is looking to establish himself in the Majors at age 22 while the guys after him have yet to taste the Bigs or got a taste and didn't like it.

2005
Round 1, Pick 6: Ricky Romero
This was the first season I really started to care about the frat and about prospects in general and it happened to be the infamous J.P. Riciardi draft choice, choosing the pitcher over the more talented Troy Tulowitzki. I understood the reasoning behind the choice (the Jays drafted 2 SS in the first round in the past few drafts), but that doesn't excust the pick. Romero was looking like a flop until last season, when he came in and pitched well for 3/4 of the season. Cam Maybin, Andrew McCuthen, and Jay Bruce were all selected after Romero in the early 1st round.

2004
Round 1, Pick 16: David Purcey
I wasn't a big draft follower then, but the next season I started to pay attention to the Jays prospects and liked Purcey's power arm. I would probably still take him again if I had to choose between Purcey and the next few picks, although having Josh Fields would be nice Encarnacion insurance.

2003
Round 1, Pick 13: Aaron Hill
Drafted as a SS, Hill looked like a solid prospect when I started to pay attention. I would draft Hill again every time knowing what I know now. Great pick.

2002
Round 1, Pick 14: Russ Adams
I have always liked Adams, and liked him as a prospect. Looking back on the draft, the next 3 picks are all great players. Scott Kazmir, Nick Swisher, and Cole Hamels went the next 3.

2001
Round 1, Pick 15: Gabe Gross
Another solid pick, there seems to be a trend here. The next 10 picks after Gross didn't outperform him. Good pick at the time, and it still looks decent based on what followed closely behind.

2000
Round 1, Pick18: Miguel Negron
This is the most recent complete bust, which is pretty impressive. It still looks unimpressive for the next few picks, but the next 4 guys all reached the Majors. Best case pick was Adam Wainwright at #29.

1999
Round 1, Pick 19: Alex Rios
Great pick. No one after him in the 1st round became a big league regular with any impact. Rios has the most homers of any 1st rounder. Still a great pick.

1998
Round 1, Pick 8: Felipe Lopez
Carlos Pena was picked 2 later, but kind of performed a "Hinske" before that's what it was called. Still a good pick.

1997
Round 1, Pick 5: Vernon Wells
Wells is still a good pick, although I would rather have Lance Berkman (selected at #16).

Allright, I think that raps up this terrible idea.

Meet Your 2010 Blue Jays 40-Man Roster

Aaron Hill
He was originally drafted in the 7th round by the Angels in 2000. Thankfully, he chose to attend College and begin his rise to greatest 2B in Blue Jays history in the "Not Roberto Alomar" category. Despite reports that he is married, Hill actually married and has remained in a commited relationship with former double play partner Russ Adams. The pair currently have 2 children. Hill is only the second Blue Jay to ever steal home plate, pwning Andy Pettitte on May 20, 2007. His list of Collegiate accomplishments is pretty impressive as well.

Alex Gonzalez
Will be the second best Alex Gonzalez to ever play for the Jays. Apparently nick-named "Sea-Bass" while with the Marlins. Was featured in "Backyard Baseball 2001."

Jarrett Hoffpauir
Is the distant cousin of Micah Hoffpauir, a 1B/OF for the Cubs. Shares the first name of the writer of a blog entitled "Holy Panda Rape" and also with the last name of an awesome pro-wrestler.

John McDonald
Almost shares his name with my Country's first Prime Minister. Nick-named the "Orime Minister of Defense" due to his, you guessed it, impressive defensive ability. Was esentially traded for himself between the Tigers and Jays.

Jose Molina
Is the least talented of his siblings. The siblings are the only 3 brothers to win World Series rings. Hit the last home run at Yankee Stadium. Was the personal catcher for world class deushbag A.J. Burnett during their 2009 seasons with the Yankees.

Vernon Wells
Not the most talented Vernon Wells associated with baseball, as his father is an exceptional painter. Is one of the most over-paid players in baseball history and has earned a place in the "Bad Contract Hall-of-Fame." Has 3 Gold Glove awards, only earning 1 of them. Hold the Jays single season record with 215 hits. Is a notorious excuse maker.

Brian Dopirak
despite embarassingly underperforming for the Cubs organization from 2005-2007, Dopirak has dominated the Minor Leagues the past 2 season. Signed with the Jays because Dunedin where Dopirak is from and where the Jays have Spring Training.

John Buck
Name sounds like "Buck Madding" in most recent 2k10 baseball video game, although I suspect is is supposed to say "Buck batting." Was the 21st ranked prospect by John Sickels in 2003, proving most ranking systems suck. Got into a fight with Mexican and awfull pitcher Runelvys Hernandez over what I can assume to be Hernandez's ethnicity or shitty pitching. Is a memeber of the "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints."

Edwin Encarnacion
Doesn't know how to properly use fireworks. Is lazy. Is a terrible defender.

Josh Roenicke
His brother Jason is also a member of the Jays organization as a pitcher. Could be very good.

Mike McCoy
Toronto is his 4th organization. Got on-base at over a .400 mark in AAA in 2009. Is short and white, leading many to call him scrappy.

Jose Bautista
Is not a very good player. Was on 5 different rosters his rookie season, a record that is nothing to be proud of. Was acquired for one of the Jays' many "catchers of the future," Robinzon Diaz.

Randy Ruiz
Is awesome. Has played for 9 different organizations. Won rookie of the year in AAA at age 30, which is hillarious. Hit his first Major League home run in Yankee stadium, only a few blocks from where he grew up. Was hit in the face by a change-up like fastball from Josh Towers. Is awesome.

Brandon Morrow
Will never be forgiven for being drafted ahead of Tim Lincecum. Was also selected by the Angels, in the 40th round, choosing instead to go to College. Is diabetic.

Ricky Romero
Looks like LL Cool J. Was drafted ahead of Troy Tulowitzki, which cannot be forgiven. Battled Rick Porcello in his Major League debut, which was the first time 2 1st round draft picks faced each other in their debuts.

David Purcey
Was originally drafted by the Mariners in the 20th round in 2001, but chose to decline. Has kind of dominated the Tampa Bay Rays in 2 career starts (0.56 ERA in 2 pitching duels with Matt Garza). Also dominated the Tigers (1.96 ERA in 4 starts). Gets destroyed by every other team.

Adam Lind
Awesome. Originally drafted by the Twins in the 8th round in 2002, but chose not to sign (thank fucking god). Is awesome. Set a Blue Jays record with 6 RsBI on opening day in 2009. Won the "Edgar Martinez" award for most outstanding DH in 2009.

Brett Cecil
A lefty on the mound, Cecil is actually right handed. This upsets me. Pulled a "Larry Walker" by throwing a live ball out of play (in this case, into the Jays dugout) allowing the opposing team to gain a base on August 20, 2009.

Shaun Marcum
Was often compared to shit-baller Josh Towers, which is not a good thing. Thankfully, he is not much like Josh Towers (who is a shit-baller). Missed most of 2009 while recovering from Tommy John surgery, but ended up pitching in some Minor League games in July, but was shut down after a few starts to avoid over-straining his surgically repaired arm.

Dustin McGowan
Has awesome mutton chops when he is on his "A" game. Was once the number 1 prospect in the Jays system (considered at one point to be one the best). On une 24, 2007, Dusty brought a no-hitter into the 9th inning (only the 6th time in team history), but notorious faggot and clown-shoe Jeff Baker broke it up with a weak, bitch-like ground ball that found a hole. Wears glasses during certain games to help his vision, which is impaired due to his diabetes.

Merkin Valdez
His name reminds me of a wizard. Was traded for Russ Ortiz, who sucks, in 2002. Was once known as Manny Mateo (which just sounds like a fake name), but started going by his real name when it revealed he was a fraud and was actually 9 months older than believed.

Marc Rzepczynski
Nicknames include Scrabble and Zep. Besides his name, there is not muchthat is too interesting about him. He's a great young pitcher, though.

Lyle Overbay
Is a proud member of the KKK. Holds the Jays record for most consecutive games reached base at 12. He is one of only 14 players to hit into an unassisted triple play.

Scott Downs
Was selected in the 12th round of the 1996 draft by the Braves, but chose to attend College. Downs carves the initials of his children into the mound before he pitches. Played for 10 different Minor League teams. Threw a no-hitter in AAA.

Jesse Carlson
Is a racist. Was a star basketball player (sure). Is forced by MLB to wear long sleaves when pitching, due to his awesome tattoos.

Casey Janssen
Somewho earned the nickname "Dirty Janssen" which may be a reference to a dirty sanchez, where a gentleman fucks a lady in the asshole and procedes to wipe his shit-covered cock on the upper lip of the classy lady, creating the appearance of a mustache. His mother is a middle school teahcer.

Travis Snider
Known to many as "the Great White Hope", "The Future", "The Franchise", and "Capt. Awesome". Was a running back and a linebacker for his High School football team. Looks fantastic with a tuff of facial hair on his chin. His hometown of Everett, Washington hosts the largest public marina on the west coast. Youngest Jay to ever hit 2 HR in a game.

Jeremy Accardo
Was acquired for Hall-of-Fame deushbag Shea Hillenbrand. Is really goofy looking. Was passed between Las Vegas and Toronto like a really cheap hooker in 2009, and spoke out against the maneuvering (which probably isn't a great way to please your manager and/or organization).

Jason Frasor
Was acquired for personal favourite Jayson Werth, posibly the first important trade where as man was traded for another with the same first name.

Brain Tallet
Looks kind of like Wolverine. He is 6'7" tall. Was drafted 4 times. Is expected to be the number 5 starter for the 2010 Jays, but shouldn't be.

Shawn Camp
Was a catcher in College. Is actually pretty good, despite playig for the Devil Rays and Royals. Was convicted of raping a man in 2001.

Kevin Gregg
Unlike former catcher Gregg Zaun, Kevin actually has 2 "G"s in his name and doesn't to add another one in there to be different. Wears glasses on the mound, which makes up for the loss of Brandon League's goggles. Is kind of a shit-bag.

Dana Eveland
Was traded once for Dan Haren (not straight up, though). In 2008 he threw 27 4-pitch walks (which I believe to be walks without a strike thrown), which led the Major Leagues.

Reideir Gonzalez
Changed name legally to Ray to avoid something. Is Cuban-born.

Luis Perez
For some reason, is on the Jays 40-Man roster. Is 25 years old, so it's probably time he does something to earn a MLB promotion.

Brad Mills
Was drafted by the Jays twice, the first time deciding to finish his degree. Is kind of a left-handed Josh Towers.

Robert Ray
Confuses people by choosing Bobby of Rob when changing his first name. Actually pitched pretty well in call-up for the jays in 2009.

Scott Richmond
Is Canadian! Missed out on the 2008 Olympics due to his unexpected MLB call-up. Was held back in the 2009 World Baseball Classic in order for him to pitch their Elimination game, which actually happened when the Italians shocked them and dropped a beating on a Minor League shit-bag pitcher. Aparently is nicknamed the "Spider" even though he looks like a Seaseme Street character.

Jesse Litsch
Is pink, round, and efficient. Used to be the bat-boy for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Despite nothing resembling a great pitch, Litsch is a solid pitcher and is a bulldog on the mound.

Dirk Hayhurst
Seems to be an awesome dude. Wrote for Baseball America regularily with his "Non-Prospect Diary", which pokes fun at his lack of hype. Has a book out which is titled "The Bullpen Gospels", which seems to be a great read. His autographs are pictures or a "garfoose", which is a fire-breathing giraffe/moose combo. Will most likely miss 2010 recovering from surgery.

COACHES

Cito Gaston
Actually named Clarence, uses Cito to try and seem more likable (well played, sir). Is the most over-rated manager ever, as he held back the career of Shawn Green and is about to ruin Travis Snider if someone doesn't stop him. Was roomates with Hank Aaron, where Gaston learned to suck a mean dick. Was actually a solid player in his day (the late 1500s). Is a member of the Canadian Baseball Hall-of-Fame and the "Level of Excellence".

Nick Leyva
Has AIDS and a job thanks to Cito. Is a pretty awfull 3rd base coach. Managed the Phillies at one point.

Omar Malave
Played (1981-1989) and managed (1991-2007) in the Jays system. Is the current 1st base coach.

Brian Butterfield
Is awesome. Should be the next manager (or better yet, the current) of the Jays. Is known for his defensive coaching, getting praise for the likes of Orlando Hudson and Aaron Hill (Butter was a 2B in his day).

Dwayne Murphy
Nacknamed "Darkness" by me, right now. Was an OF for the A's, and a pretty damn good one defensively. His trademark was having his hat blow off his afro when making a catch. Plays bass guitar, fueling the stereotype. Helped fund MC Hammer's debut album (so he pretty much helped spread AIDS).

Bruce Walton
Was the bullpen coach from 2002 until recently when he was promoted to pitching coach. Pitched terribly in the Majors from 1991-1994.

Rick Langford
The new bullpen coach. Was a pretty mediocre pitcher from 1976-1986.

SOME NOTABLE PROSPECTS

Kyle Drabek
Son of former MLB pitcher and racist Doug Drabek. Was 30-1 in High School and also had 27 home runs. Was acquired in the Halladay trade, making him unlikely to ever reach expectations.

Brett Wallace
Drafted by the Jays in 2005, but did not sign (boo). Was traded as part of the Matt Holliday deal. Ended up with the Jays, via the A's, in the Halladay deal. Wallace is probably the only player ever to be traded as a centre-piece for 2 All-Star callibre players with names so bizzarely similar. Has massive thighs.

Scott Campbell
Is from New Zealand (exotic). Has been compared to Chase Utley (by JP Ricciardi). Good luck living up to that, kid.

JP Arencibia
Hit as many high school HR as Alex Rodriguez (at the same school). Is the next wave of the "catcher of the future" for the Jays fanbase.

Zach Stewart
Was stolen from the Reds for Scott Rolen. Was the number 1 prospect prior to the trade of Halladay.

Leon Boyd
"Dutch Clutch" rose to "stardom" during the World Baseball Classic for team Netherlands (even though he is Canadian!). Boyd is a fringe relief prospect.

Tim Collins
Is probably no taller than 5'5" and weighs about 150 lbs. Threw a high school no-hitter. Was discovered by JP Ricciardi's father. Has been nicknamed "Tim Collinsicum" in regards to his similar pitching motion and small frame to NL Cy Young winner and pot-head Tim Lincicum. He is also called "Tiny" Tim Collins, which just isn't very creative.

Adam Loewen
Is a Canadian! Was a former top prospect as a pitcher for the Orioles. Was pretty effective until injuries forced him to retire from pitching. Now an OF, Loewen has recieved positive reviews for his plate discipline and his raw power, although the power is coming along slowly.

NON-ROSTER PLAYERS

Joey Gathright
Can actually jump over a car. Youtube it. Is obviously athletic because he's black. Will always get chances based on "athleticism" and "raw ability" but lacks grit because he is not white.

Jeremy Reed
Lost his number in 2008 to his manager, which has to be embarrassing. Is white, so has the edge over Gathright in grit and hustle, while tailing in natural athletic ability and speed in their race for 4th OF.

Raul Chavez
Somehow became a fan favourite despite being shitty. Has a good arm, but throws to 1st base way too often, trying to show off his "cannon". Is a filthy mexican.

Shawn Hill
Is from Ontario! Pitched in the 2004 Olympics. Is a walking band-aid, and is constantly injured. Might pitch in late 2010.

My Love Of Utility Players

The love that I have always had for players who play multiple positions and are generally white is something i have never been able to explain to myself or others.

So, with that in mind, I am going to take a look back at my favourite utility players for the Jays since 2000.

Chris Woodward
Woodward started out as a utility guy in 1999, and eventually moved into the starting SS role, with some pretty good results in 2002. I liked his ears and his whiteness the most. Most recently, Woodward was seen getting some playing time for the Mariners and Red Sox in 2009. He signed a Minor League deal with the Mariners this off-season and will try to prove he is worth a roster spot.
In 2004, Woodward appeared on Degrassi: The Next Generation.


Jeff Frye
I can actually come up with a legit reason why I like Frye. See, in Ken Griffey Jr. baseball for the N64, Frye had a swing circle that was bigger than some of my favourite players (Shawn Green & Carlos Delgado) and was always available either in free agency or really late in fantasy drafts. This made him seem valuable to me and he always ended up splitting second base with Domingo Cedeno. Anyways, I believe Jeff is still the most recent Blue Jay to hit for the cycle, and for that, I thank him. I miss you Jeff. He hasn't played in the Majors since 2001, and I assume he is currently dead.
According to Wikipedia (who are never wrong), Jeff wore a facemask in a game on August 3, 2001 (in the SkyDome) because of an aphid outbreak, Awesome. Also, he is currently an agent (not dead) and represents Ian Kinsler.

Dave Berg
Berg played for the Jays from 2002-2004 and was quite unremarkable. Looking at his stats, I am shocked he was such shit. According to Wikipedia, his life was pretty meaningless as well. Oh well, your heart will live on Dave.

Joey "Whoa" Lawrence
I think I can narrow down what I liked about little Joey. It definately wasn't his ablity to hit a baseball. I think he might actually be dead.

Howie Clark
I think Howie was the frist utility player that I actually liked because of his contributions on the field. It didn't hurt that he was white, though. Playing for the Jays in parts of 3 seasons, Howie won my heart with his hustle and his slap hitting ability. After his initial Jays season, he came back to earth and started to suck again and all was right in the world.
Perhaps best known for the "mine" incident of May 2007, Howie allowed "Gay-Rod" to distract him and a pop-up fell in gently between him and John MacDonald. A-Rod went on to become of the greates players of all time, and Howie kissed the end of a shot-gun. R.I.P.
Howie was also named in the Mitchell report in 2007 as a steroid user, proving once and for all that steroids don't do shit unless your Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, or Alex Rodriguez.
He is currently back with the Jays organization on a Minor League deal, after putting up some great numbers in 2009 for Las Vegas.

Russ Adams
I always liked Russ. He is a different story than every other white guy on this list. He was a top prospect, and came up as a starter. He hit well in his rookie season and I thought the answer to the long-term SS position was right in front of me. Little did I know that Chuck Knoblaugh's demonization would come into play. Something happened to Russ that caused most of his throws to be "Hinsked" over the first baseman. The Jays moved him to 2B and the same thing occured. He tryed 3B and guess what? He still sucked. Now an OF and occasional IF, Adams is a full fledged AAA utility player.
Russ is currently in the Mets system trying to win a back-up job.

Simon Pond
My love for Simon Pond was due to his Nationality. I love Canadians, because I am one. His 56 plate appearances in the Majors and 5256 in the Minors make him a Minor League Hall of Shamer. He played for the 2004 Canada Olympic team, which I learned he exsisted.

"The Prme Minister of Defense" John McDonald
Since 2005, no other professional athlete has done as much as John McDonald to stand out from the crowd. His flashy defense and huge contributions with the bat make McDonald one the best SS in Major League history. What, that isn't true? Am I confusing him with Hanley Ramirez? or just making things up? I can't tell.
Anyway, McDonald has become a bit of a local icon with his tremendous defense and humble attitude. I will avoid speaking of his offense, though. Trust, it's better if you don't know anything about it.
McDonald is one of a few players to be traded for himself. The Jays traded him to the Tigers for "cash" and then the Tigers sent him back to the Jays for "cash." He was actually named most popular Blue jay (yes, ahead of Doc) by Rogers Sportsnet viewers in 2007. I am not ashamed to say, I Heart Johnny Mac.

Joe Inglett
Inglett was a player that I liked before Toronto, following him in his brief Cleveland career. Much to my delight, the Jays acquired him off waivers in 2007 and thrust him onto the roster. Joe went 3-5 in his brief Toronto debut and was fully on my radar as a new utilityman-crush. Joe used 2008 to come onto the scene after Aaron Hill's concusion and put up some impressive numbers. Hitting .297 with a .355 OBP Joe was quickly rising past utility man status and, in my mind, earning himself a key role with the Jays for 2009. Much to my anger and disappointment, Joe was used like a yo-yo in 2009 and optioned up and down from Toronto to Las Vegas, despite hitting pretty well in both places.
Due to his up and own trips and certain timing of injuries allowing him to do so, he earned the nickname "Voodoo" Joe in 2008.
Joe will be missed dearly by me, as he was claimed of waivers by the Rangers, then by the Brewers. He will have a good shot to make the Brewers roster and could recieve ample playing time if Rickie Weeks struggles or gets hurt again. My fingers are crossed, Joe.

Well, that is my list. Some players currently plowing away for the Jays Minor League affiliates that have my eye are:

Mike McCoy
Jarrett Hoffpauir (same first name, instant boner)
Scott Campbell (from New Zealand. Exotic)
Brad Emaus

Spring Is Here

It's been a while. Over 3 months, in fact, since I last posted anything at all.

There just hasn't been much of anything to write about, and there still isn't that much.

One thing that did happen since my departure is the trading of Roy Fucking Halladay. Big news, right?

The package was nice, I personally liked it better with Taylor, but am more than satisfied with Wallace.

And again, our GM is stocking up on fringe pitchers. The Jays have about 2 teams worth of 4th/5th starters and middle relievers coming into camp.

Let's have a look, shall we?

On 40-Man Roster
Jeremy Accardo (Out Of Options)
Shawn Camp (Out Of Options)
Jesse Carlson
Brett Cecil
Scott Downs
Dana Eveland
Jason Frasor
Reidier Gonzalez
Kevin Gregg
Sean Henn (Out Of Options)
Dirk Heyhurst (60-Day DL)
Casey Janssen
Jesse Litsch (60-Day DL)
Shaun Marcum
Dustin McGowan (Out Of Options)
Brad Mills
Brandon Morrow
Luis Perez
David Purcey
Robert Ray
Scott Richmond (Injured-Unknown Status)
Josh Roenicke
Ricky Romero
Marc Rzepczynski
Brian Tallet
Merkin Valdez
Zechry Zinicola (Rule V)

Non-Roster Invites
Lance Broadway
Willie Collazo
Kyle Drabek
Dan Farquhar
Shawn Hill (Will Be On 60-Day DL)
Zach Jackson
Chad Jenkins
Rommie Lewis
Steven Register
Zach Stewart

Prospects
Henderson Alvarez
Robert Bell
Tim Collins
Trystan Magnuson

That is a shit-load of pitchers.

With the rotation as wide open as it is, maybe it's good to hve so many options.

One thing I do hope for though is to see our top pitching prospects in AA, away from the PCL and hitter friendly Las Vegas. I'm hoping Chad Jenkins, Kyle Drabek, and Zach Stewart all start in AA, while Dan Farquhar and Tim Collins pitch in relief. It will allow some veterans to start in AAA to stay ready for potential emergency starts.

A part of me wants Brandan Morrow to start in AAA so that he can get 100% into starting and to push his service clock back a year.

I'm not gonna try and break down where each will start the year because injuries always make predictions such as 5th starter and 6/7th bullpen arms pointless and spring training games haven't even started yet.

I'm excited to see how this years emerging pitchers are, and maybe the rise of a Sean Henn or Willie Collazo or Rommie Lewis or Zach Jackson make Scott Downs tradable. Or maybe Zinicola has a nails spring and allows the Jays to trade Frasor. I don't know what is going to happen, but I am fucking pumped.