Fictional Power Rankings: The Managers

1. Gus Cantrell
Going against conventional wisdom and placing Cantrell first. Gus managed the AAA Buzz to a tie and a win over their Major League affiliate and made Leonard Huff look silly in the process.
His biggest contributions:
-Teaching Downtown to go the other way, making him a complete hitter.
-Putting Pops at 1B where his range wouldn't cripple the team.
-Harnessed the athletic gifts of Lance Pere at 3B.
-Forced Juan Lopez 1 & 2 to work together to create beautiful middle infield magic.
-Brought Veteran presence to the ball club by acquiring Pedro Cerrano and Taka Tanaka.
-Getting Doc Windgate to share his knowledge with Hog Ellis.

2. Lou Brown
Once a minor league manager working at Tire Barn, Lou turned a bunch of misfits into a winning ball club with some world class motivation. Makde the great decision of starting veteran Eddie Harris over Rick Vaughn.
Biggest contributions:
-Getting Rick Vaughn to an eye-doctor.
-Getting Jake Taylor to embrace his Managerial role in Major League 2.
-Telling Willy Hayes not to ever fucking do it again.

3. Billy Heywood
One of the smartest baseball minds on the planet fell ass first into the ownership of the Minnesota Twins and when he fired the Manager, inputted himself into the situation and almost a bunch of mediocre ball players to the playoffs. Losses points for letting his first baseman fuck his mom.

4. Jake Taylor
Taylor reluctantly agreed to be an assistant coach for Brown, then when the skipper suffered a heart attack, Taylor took over with mixed results. He led them into the playoffs but the team team wasn't without its problems. His two best friends, Willy Hayes and Rick Vaughn, got into a fight on the bench that resulted in a team brawl in the first game of a double header.

5. Conor O'Neill
Despite his gambling addiction and questionable friends, O'Neill became quite the influance and leader for the Kekumbas. Questionably pinch hit with G-Baby, which probably led to his murder.

6. Gus Panas
The silent Cito Gaston type of manager, Gus clashed with Stan Ross is a big way. But when push came to shove, Gus had Ross's back and that is what a good manager does.

7. Leonard Huff
Huff was a bad manager with an inflated ego and a shit-eating grin. Rushed Downtown to the Majors and almost killed his confidence. Risked his job in an exibition game, which is the stupidest move any manger on this list ever made.

8. George O'Ferrell
Got fired then replaced by a tween.

Fictional Power Rankings: Position Players

CATCHERS

1. Jack Parkman
The shimmy was both sexy and creepy, the power was legit. Looked like a poor defensive catcher more suited for DH.

2. Crash Davis
Minor League homer leader and a great leader for Nuke LaLoosh. Fucked the shit out of Annie Savoy, keeping him out of the top spot.

3. Jake Taylor
Veteran leader who helped lead the young, inexperienced Indians towards the playoffs. Couldn't let go of a mediocre past girlfriend. Was an awfull defensive catcher.

4. Gus Sniski
Billy Chapel's person catcher. Great pitch caller, solid defensive back-stop, great friend.

5. Rube Baker
Fantastic arm, but trouble throwing ball back to pitcher severly limited his upside. Has potential to be Gus Sinski in 10 years.

Honorable Mention:
Dave
His inability to hit keeps him off the board, but he might've been a lefty.



FIRST BASE
1. Lou Collins
Banged his coached mom and almost took the Big Unit deep in the play-off.

2. Artie DaVanzo
World class drunk. Had a blood alcohol level almost twice the legal limit. Hit a HR in the big game, despite sweating while eating.

3. Stan Ross
Mr. 2999, Stan is a certain Hall of Famer. Ross losses points for coming out of retirement for the sole purpose of stats. Probably hit something like .075 during his comeback.

4. Clu Haywood
Absolutely dominated Rick Vaughn in his debut season. Lead the league in body hair.

5. Butch Heddo
Destroyed Henry Rowangartner's performance enhanced fastball.



INFIELD
1. Johnny Trinno
Hit over .700, which is impressive as all hell.

2. Kelly Leake
A bit of a punk, but the kid could flat out play. Looked a little like a fag, but covered some serious ground at SS.

3. Benny Rodriguez
The Jet was the best player in town and would go on to play for the Dodgers. The fastest kid on the planet.

4. Maz
A little pussy whipped, but played a solid 2B. Was a good friend and had a big cock.

5. Alfonse
May have been a guido, but is better than most other fictional infielders.

Aside: Why is there never any quiality infielders in baseball movies? What the fuck? I have to choose between the Juan Lopez's and the middle infielders from Mr. 3000?



OUTFIELDERS
1. Roy Hobbs
The Natural is a natural fit at number 1, with his light-tower power. Once a great young pitcher, his career was derailed when he was shot. Returning years later, Hobbs used Wonderboy to become one the best hitters in the league.

2. Downtown Anderson
A natural hitter with quick hands and a great pull stroke, Downtown became a complete player when Gus Cantrell taught him to go the other way.

3. T-Rex Pennebaker
The cover boy for MVP baseball, T-Rex was an all-world power hitter for the Brewers. Turned his selfish play around with the help of Stan Ross.

4. Willy Hayes (Wesley Snipes)
Despite poor hitting skills, Hayes was a fantastic lead-off man for the upstart Indians. Was a tremendous base-stealer.

5. Bobby Raburn
Once a great player for the Atlanta Braves, Raburn underperformed thanks to a chest injury in San Fran. Once teamate Juan Primo was murdered, Raburn coincidentally started to heat up.

6. Juan Primo
Killed before his time. Had the talent and work ethic to be one of the greats.

7. Willy Hayes (Omar Epps)
Hurt himself performing stunts for his shitty movie, costing himself plenty of speed. Thought he was a power hitter, which was silly.

8. Carlos Liston
A little selfish, but is a legit power threat. Backed down from Hog Ellis when his bluff was called.

9. Pedro Cerrano
Inability to hit curve ball limits ceiling. Some scouts feel his beliefs get in the way of his upside.

10. Tim
This N-word was a quality LF who covered some ground and did so with a quiet confidence.

Honorable Menton:
Tananka: Bonus points for going balls out, but just not very good.

Fictional Pitchers Power Rankings

1. Billy Chapel
Threw a perfect game in his final start of his career. Showed serious loyalty to catcher Gun Sinski. Pitched 19 seasons in the Majors and has a shot at the Hall of Fame.

2. Nuke LaLoosh
Outstanding stuff; millon dollar arm, 5 cent head. Had some issues with listening to veteran catcher Crash Davis.

3. Steve Nebraska
Was Stephen Strasburg before Stephen Strasburg. Threw a perfect game; 81 pitches, 81 strikes. 27 Ks. Had monster personality issues, affecting his ranking.

4. Mike McGrevey
Was fantastic once properly motivated. Still a bit of a douche.

5. Hog Ellis
An enigmatic power pitcher. Once he leanred the curveball, he was unstoppable. Took down the mighty Carlos Liston.

6. Mel Clark
A savvy veteran, Mel needed the power an Angel to get through his final Major League start. Had a solid career.

7. Rick Vaughn (Major League)
The Wild Thing losses serious points for being mostly used as a reliever. Took a while to harness his stuff, but was a K machine once he put on the dark rims.

8. Kenny Powers
Losses points for being an asshole. Can throw faster than fuck.

9. Doc Windgate
I'm giving him serious bonus points for teaching Hog Ellis the deuce. Also, struck out Carlos Liston. Made the most out of his limited ability.

10. Rick Vaughn (Major League 2)
With a big bank account and a smoking hot girlfriend, Vaughn lost his heat and tried to create pitches that were ultimately not very successful. Finally got his shit together late in the flick.

11. Miles Pennefield
With bluetooth, he can confortably and safely listen to his B.I.G. without the opposing coach being a prick.

12. Shoup
A crafty lefty, Shoup wasn't the best, but he was a decent mid-rotation arm the the contending Indians.

13. Eddie Harris
Crafty veteran losses some points for cheating, but was a clutch pitcher for the Indians.

14. Chet Steadman
Veteran pitcher who didn't take any shit. Losses some points for cozying up to a snot nosed punk.

15. Eddie Everett
Once a promising pitcher, Everett needed the help of Angels to throw quality ballgames near the end. Also, a shitty father.

16. Henry Rowengartner
Lucked into a 120 mph heater. Had a mildly successful season, but broke him arm back into place and had to throw under-hand like some faggot.

17. Dennis Mangenelli
Was the ace pitcher of Mangenelli fitness. Losses points for the speedo briefs and for having herpes.

18. The Duke
Would throw at his own kid in a father-son game. Losses points for being a short reliever.

19. Blackout Gatling
Not a great closer, but at least he was alive during his team's big game.

20. Dirt
Was a mediocre pitcher who couldn't even live to play in the big game. His death caused the team to get fucking plastered and play like shit against Mangenelli fitness.