Fictional Power Rankings: Position Players

CATCHERS

1. Jack Parkman
The shimmy was both sexy and creepy, the power was legit. Looked like a poor defensive catcher more suited for DH.

2. Crash Davis
Minor League homer leader and a great leader for Nuke LaLoosh. Fucked the shit out of Annie Savoy, keeping him out of the top spot.

3. Jake Taylor
Veteran leader who helped lead the young, inexperienced Indians towards the playoffs. Couldn't let go of a mediocre past girlfriend. Was an awfull defensive catcher.

4. Gus Sniski
Billy Chapel's person catcher. Great pitch caller, solid defensive back-stop, great friend.

5. Rube Baker
Fantastic arm, but trouble throwing ball back to pitcher severly limited his upside. Has potential to be Gus Sinski in 10 years.

Honorable Mention:
Dave
His inability to hit keeps him off the board, but he might've been a lefty.



FIRST BASE
1. Lou Collins
Banged his coached mom and almost took the Big Unit deep in the play-off.

2. Artie DaVanzo
World class drunk. Had a blood alcohol level almost twice the legal limit. Hit a HR in the big game, despite sweating while eating.

3. Stan Ross
Mr. 2999, Stan is a certain Hall of Famer. Ross losses points for coming out of retirement for the sole purpose of stats. Probably hit something like .075 during his comeback.

4. Clu Haywood
Absolutely dominated Rick Vaughn in his debut season. Lead the league in body hair.

5. Butch Heddo
Destroyed Henry Rowangartner's performance enhanced fastball.



INFIELD
1. Johnny Trinno
Hit over .700, which is impressive as all hell.

2. Kelly Leake
A bit of a punk, but the kid could flat out play. Looked a little like a fag, but covered some serious ground at SS.

3. Benny Rodriguez
The Jet was the best player in town and would go on to play for the Dodgers. The fastest kid on the planet.

4. Maz
A little pussy whipped, but played a solid 2B. Was a good friend and had a big cock.

5. Alfonse
May have been a guido, but is better than most other fictional infielders.

Aside: Why is there never any quiality infielders in baseball movies? What the fuck? I have to choose between the Juan Lopez's and the middle infielders from Mr. 3000?



OUTFIELDERS
1. Roy Hobbs
The Natural is a natural fit at number 1, with his light-tower power. Once a great young pitcher, his career was derailed when he was shot. Returning years later, Hobbs used Wonderboy to become one the best hitters in the league.

2. Downtown Anderson
A natural hitter with quick hands and a great pull stroke, Downtown became a complete player when Gus Cantrell taught him to go the other way.

3. T-Rex Pennebaker
The cover boy for MVP baseball, T-Rex was an all-world power hitter for the Brewers. Turned his selfish play around with the help of Stan Ross.

4. Willy Hayes (Wesley Snipes)
Despite poor hitting skills, Hayes was a fantastic lead-off man for the upstart Indians. Was a tremendous base-stealer.

5. Bobby Raburn
Once a great player for the Atlanta Braves, Raburn underperformed thanks to a chest injury in San Fran. Once teamate Juan Primo was murdered, Raburn coincidentally started to heat up.

6. Juan Primo
Killed before his time. Had the talent and work ethic to be one of the greats.

7. Willy Hayes (Omar Epps)
Hurt himself performing stunts for his shitty movie, costing himself plenty of speed. Thought he was a power hitter, which was silly.

8. Carlos Liston
A little selfish, but is a legit power threat. Backed down from Hog Ellis when his bluff was called.

9. Pedro Cerrano
Inability to hit curve ball limits ceiling. Some scouts feel his beliefs get in the way of his upside.

10. Tim
This N-word was a quality LF who covered some ground and did so with a quiet confidence.

Honorable Menton:
Tananka: Bonus points for going balls out, but just not very good.